So I’ve been having trouble writing this post (which is why it’s 1AM and I’m only just starting it now). It’s not because I don’t have anything to say. I always have something to say -whether it’s about my obsession with New Girl, or my online shopping problem, or the family baggage I have surrounding miniature golf – once I get going, you can’t get me to shut up.
But that’s the problem isn’t it? It’s so easy to write on the Internet, how do we judge what is good content or self-expression and what could potenially be detrimental or embarrassing to you the next day? This is actually an argument that I have with myself on (at least) a daily basis. At first glance, social media, blogging, and YouTube all seem so exciting to me. It’s like: “YES! Finally a place where I can express all those thoughts and musings that I’ve needed to vent without direct judgement of my peers and colleagues!”
But then I’m like: “Whoah. Jump back. Who the fuck* wants to listen to all the stupid crap that’s in your head? You do realize you just spent the last fifteen minutes staring at the same New Girl meme and muttering about how Nick and Jess need to get together this instant or you will never eat pancakes again, right? And come on, did you see that last run on sentence? For Christ’s Sake, you’re not even funny.”
As horrible as that other voice is to my self-esteem, it does have a point. Remember at the beginning of Katy Perry: Part of Me when there’s that footage of her at eighteen and she’s all “I wanna be a leader, I just don’t know how.” (Just me? Ah well, your loss) I totally get that. Part of me (pun INTENDED) feels this sense of responsibility to what I write about. I want to put things out there that will entertain people, or make them think about things, or maybe educate them.
But then the voice returns (Susan Blackwell would call it a vampire) and it reminds me: “Jessica. You are only just 20 years old, how can you possibly educate/enlighten/entertain the ENTIRE INTERNET? Isn’t that just a little bit ballsy? Because really, what do you know?”The answer, of course, is not much. In the last three weeks, I have repeatedly referred to myself as “A Mixed Bag of Gumballs.” Like the rest of the world, I’m constantly changing my thoughts and opinions on things. I really don’t know what I want for myself or the world. I’ve yet to figure it all out and I know I never will, but still I wish I had a better handle on it so I could at least be more definitive on what I am contributing to the Internet in this post.
That’s not to say I’m not enjoying the journey. That’s why it’s a Mixed Bag of Gumballs, and not- I don’t know- Skittles or something (I hate Skittles) . I like choosing a new fun new color sphere at random and chewing on it for a bit until I decided to spit it out and pick something else. I think that’s what growing up should be and what I should be doing right now. I guess my problem is dealing with the aftermath.
Everyone warns you that the Internet is PERMANENT! What you put up online will haunt you the rest of your life in job interviews or whatever. Now, I know that mostly people are talking about Topless and/or Red Solo Cup Pics and not blog posts about Donna Reed and Acceptable Italian Footwear, but I do take that all seriously. It does kinda freak me out to think that in a year or ten this all could come back to bite me in the ass.
I don’t know, maybe I am taking it all a bit to seriously. The other day I was ranting about how annoying it is when people stress over Facebook Friend Requests and now I can’t commit to a blog post because I’m worried that it will eventually embarrass me at some point down the rode.
A Mixed Bag of Gumballs, indeed.
Ah, screw it. I need to chill out a bit. From now on I will just imagine my future self looking back fondly on this as A Colorful Scrapbook of My Twenties.
p.s. That all being said, I’ve decided to start a secondary blog about hats.
*Swearing is OK if it’s used in a self-deprecating way, right?