A New-Born Money-Maker

She did always seem like the type to no show off her bump unless if was on the cover of Fit Pregnancy, huh?

FabNerds- You know I love Kevin and Dani Jonas, right? Because I do. I admit I find the rest of the JoBros (ex-JoBros?) to be kind of repulsive, ungrateful shits*, but I Kev and D have always held a special place in my heart. Maybe it was just that Married to Jonas a really well-produced show, I don’t know. But I have held on to the notion that they were kind, down-to-earth people. Was I excited that they were going to have a baby? You bet your ass, I was. Was I a little worried that they were going to name said baby “Jersey”? …Yes.

But now, when #BabyJonas was born yesterday, she was thankfully not named Jersey Jonas (perhaps there realized it wasn’t really good alliteration?). Her name is Alena Rose Jones, which is not terrible. So what’s my damage? Well,  I think that this may be the first birth ever sponsored by laundry detergent. Dreft, specifically.

It started as a harmless tweet from Dani two days ago.

omg dani

So, OK. You think that maybe Dreft is like doing a puff piece about the married Jonases washing onesies or something- but no! Because the next day – presumably right after the first contraction started – Kevin tweeted this:

omg kevin tweet

UPDATES ON THE BIRTH? What is that supposed to mean? Are they letting Dreft in the delivery room? What are they supposed to tweet? So many questions and all the answers I tried to come up with sounded gross.

Thankfully, however Dreft’s tweets were not in the vain of “I CAN SEE THE HEAD! #BABYJONAS YOU ARE ONE HAIRY LITTLE MONSTER”. Unthankfully, they were just boring.

dreft tweets

BORE-ING! It’s like they are a detergent company or something. Makes you wonder if any of Kevin’s brothers took to the internet to talk about the new addition. Perez Hilton tells me they did.

unclejoe tweet

Only Joe Jonas – who’s name,we can all agree, is worse than Jersey – would find some way to make this about himself instead of #BabyJonas. I know he’s the middle child, but he’s also arguably the most attractive of the bunch. Does he really need to bogart his soon-to-be niece’s attention? It’s like he’s compensating for something**.  Just go on Dancing With the Stars already. Jeez.

Anyway. Dreft is still in the game here and this is when it gets a little commercial (if it wasn’t already).

wow dreft tweet

first pic tweet

Like, I get selling your first baby pics to OK! Magazine or something a few days after the baby is born, but giving it to the social media intern of a second-level laundry company to post, like, moments after you cut the cord just feels a little…weird? sleazy? uncomfortable?

I mean, listen, I’m not a parent and I’m certainly not a celebrity. I don’t know what went through their heads as Dreft approached them asking if this was something they wanted to do. Maybe they wanted the free detergent. Maybe they thought it would be a nice little memento for them to look back on the day their daughter was born. Whatever it was, they obviously gave their consent so why does it feel so strange to me?

I could pretend to be all noble and take the side of Halle Berry and Jennifer Gardner or Dax Shepard and say that I believe that a celebrity’s children should not be on display for all of us to see. That would be great except I am also a frequent reader of Suri’s Burn Book (it is, in fact, where I first read about this) and while I do believe parents should have the right to control how their children appear in the media, to proclaim that I have some sort of moral motivation here would be untrue. Hell, I’m even screen-shoting these tweets so I can blog about their baby. Plus, as already stated, this was obvs done with Kev and D’s permission.

I guess I just don’t like how instantaneous it was. Normally, I’m all for the live-tweet, but maybe this was just something I would be more receptive to if it wasn’t so Right Now. Perhaps, this is just an issue of decorum. Or just good writing. There are some things that we need to edit first. Like this (finally! … finally?) gross tweet from Kevin:

pushing tweet

yeah, EW. But he followed with this so I can almost forgive him.

aww kevein tweet

Anyway, I still love them. Mazel Tov, Kevin and Dani. Mazel Tov, Dreft.

-Jess

*In the case of Joe Jonas acting like he does…I don’t know – maybe this is just me here – but does he seem like he could be, maybe, gay? He did seem really invested in Dani’s brother moving back to LA with him on Married to Jonas…just a thought.

**Like being in the closet? Listen I’m not saying he is. (Don’t sue me Joe) but I’m saying if he was, it might be time to come out. It could potentially open up a whole new market for his solo career. Just saying. If he is.

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American Royalty

Royals from Across the Pond

 

FabNerds, this post comes to you late because I have a job at a movie theatre and I worked late for the opening of The Bling Ring.

 

 

You know, that Sofia Coppola movie based on that E! reality show?

 

 

The movie looks awesome, but that’s beside the point. I was watching a morning show segment about the movie and some reporter said the film was about our obsession with celebrity (true) and cited people like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton as “American Royalty”.

 

Our Kate and Wills?

I have a problem with this. Not because America was a country built on the idea that there was no royalty, but because I always grew up thinking “American Royalty” was THIS:

OR THIS:

OR (more recently) THIS: 

Celebrities are not America’s equivalent to royalty. Royalty is something untouchable. You don’t pick apart royalty the way you do celebrity. That’s why when something truly scandalous happens   with them it’s a big deal.

If this was a Jersey Shore photo, you wouldn’t look twice.

A celebrity is much more exciting than that. With famous people something is always happening, they have a movie or a sex tape or they’re on The View for the movie/sex tape. Celebrities are not royalty. Royalty is boring. Royalty doesn’t throw up onstage.

 

 

Don’t get me wrong. I love royalty. Like seriously: let’s have a a Kate Middleton tribute for a sec:

…get the difference? If you are going to call someone American Royalty, let it be someone boring. The beautiful famous people who spend most of their time doing things (writing legislation, working for charities) and are only news-worthy when they sleep with interns, but you don’t hold it against them because they are too likable – these people are royal. Celebrities are only infamous.

The only exception is Joe Biden.

Cheers,

Jess