Questions I Will Never Be Asked

 

Jessica, it is such an honor to have you on this stage.

 

FabNerds! So last week kind of got away from me, but that doesn’t matter. I am here now and we must focus on the present, right? Right.

Today’s post is really all about me living my dream- a dream that will never come true, and that dream is to be on Inside the Actor’s Studio and have James Lipton ask me the Pivot Questionnaire.  This is because I am not an actor and I will never be famous enough for James Lipton.*

But this is my blog and I can do whatever I want, SO, today we are pretending that this is Inside the Blogger’s Studio and our good friend Jimmy Lipton has some questions for moi!

BTW – if you have no idea what I am talking about** then I have presented you with a few examples via the internet.

Ready? Then let’s begin.

JAMES LIPTON: We begin our classroom with the questionnaire that was used by the most wondrous  most outstanding, most beautiful talk-show host in the history of the world, Bernard Pivot. Jessica, what is your least favorite word?

ME: Disappointing.

JL: Mmhmm.

Audience full of pretentious theatre students all nod their heads with understanding. 

JL: What is your favorite word?

ME: Groovy.

Audience gives a polite chuckle.

JL: I like that. Groovy. Groooo-vvvy. Very appropriate.

Audience is a little disturbed, but pretends like it’s all cool.

JL: What turns you on?

ME: Tap Dancing.

Audience does not laugh here, which throws me a bit.

JL: What turns you off?

ME: Birds.

Audience does laugh here, which is upsetting because birds actually really freak me out it’s not cool to laugh at someone’s fears, ok?!

Terrifying.

JL: Yes. Mmhmm. What sound or noise do you love?

ME: Tap dancing.

Audience chortles at this because they think that all repetition is supposed to be funny.

JL: I should have guessed.

Audience LOLs because James has now validated their sense of humor.

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

ME: Taking styrofoam out of a cardboard box.

One really stoned guy in the back of the theater yells out “THAT’S THE WORST.”

ME: (to Stoned Guy) I know, right!?

SG: YEAH!

JL: I don’t mean to increase the level of excitement anymore, but it’s time for everyone’s favorite question. What is your favorite curse word?

ME: That’s a hard one to answer….probably Goddamn. Only because it’s not just like you’re cursing at something, you are actively asking God to take action against it. It’s more productive than fuck or something.

Audience LOLs again, but this time I find it acceptable. Who doesn’t laugh when someone incredibly famous (like me in this scenario I had to write for myself) says the word fuck?

JL: That is as good a reason as any. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

ME: I would like to be a Spy…or Gwen Stefani.

Audience does not know how to take this.

Me?

JL: What profession would you not like to attempt?

ME: Something with birds….Bird Trainer?

Audience sits trying to figure out if this is a real thing.

JL: Finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you reach the Pearly Gates?

ME: Aloha.

And Viola`! I have lived out one of my dreams. Thank you for indulging me FabNerds. See you on Friday.

-Jess

madmen_icon

 

*I love when he has to list all the awards for his untalented, though mind-boggling famous guests: “She has won People’s Prettiest Toes, Office Max’s Face of Paper, and -of course – the Razzie for Best Female Decapitation.”

**Then why are you even on this blog? We obvs have nothing in common…jk…but really.

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